"´¨`·..♥ * » § I FEEL STRANGE, MOSTLY BECAUSE I AM. § « * ♥..·´¨`"

i feel like i need to gush somewhere and secret twitter isn't secret enough, but you know how i have that secret crush? well we were supposed to go to the moomin adventure thing at southbank centre on the saturday between our birthdays but had to cancel cos she had unexpected expenses and she couldn't afford it, and also some other birthday plans got cancelled. Well, we booked our tickets yesterday. i booked the moomin tickets, she booked the train and paypalled me for the other bit. and i'm super excited because i'm a hopeless need and nothing is going to happen except we get to hang out in the flesh and it'll be great. it's not for another month but... also going to Cambridge the weekend before to hang out with Bodø buddies cos it'll have been a year and i was just reading a thing about Chester Bennington and got feels cos i had temporarily forgotten.

after reading this everyone will know who the secret crush is cos i totally tweeted about moomin adventures and tagged her in it so i'm really stealthy as fuck. and i'm not even going to lock this cos i live dangerously. also i need to go to bed so bad right now.

i think i've just finished importing ALL MY OLD LIVEJOURNALS that i can still access. from end of april 2004 onwards, but i'm missing a year and 10 months and six different accounts worth of blah blah blah and it bums me out. i might go back later and copy them in manually, luckily about half of it is Not Locked, cos i lived by the i'm gonna tell you some private things cause you can keep secrets, you are the internet mantra. (some things never change?) but yeah at the moment i'm pretty sure i have better things to do. like right now i should be doing the online food shop and i'm failing at finishing it tonight why is shopping so hard?

wednesday was the worst day.
first of all, i woke up at like 3am because my stupid previously broken wrist was hurting. i layed in bed trying to get back to sleep, listening to harry potter and the goblet of fire, crying. then i remembered there was a pack of paracetamol in my bag so i took like three and had a drink and went back to bed and cried some more. around 4am i realised sleep was probably not gonna happen and i got up and put the wifi on so at least i could read twitter or something, but some of the bodø buddies were up cos there's always the 4.30am club and i cried there some and asked the internet if this is a valid reason to call in sick cos jfc wednesday was supposed to be first day back after christmas. paracetamol didn't help. carl woke up and was annoyed at the constant blowing my nose so i could breathe (i get VERY SNOTTY when i cry hardcore) so i got the blankets and went to cry on the sofa in the living room instead. and it was cold. and i watched some fuller house on netflix cos nowtv don't have subtitles and i didn't wanna have it on too loud and that fucking wrist/hand/arm was still killing me. at half 7 i called in sick and left a message and 20 minutes later i went to carl like "shouldn't you be getting up for work babe???" so he got up and i went back to bed and at 8am started calling the doctors cos oh maybe maybe i'd get through in time to get an appointment and get some fucking help about this hellscape my wrist was keeping me in. i did get through. appointment at 9.20am, in hour and 10 minutes. so i got up, got washed and dressed and ate some breakfast, took some more paracetamol that actually finally worked (forever having that complains about thing not working, goes to show it to someone and woah the problem is suddenly gone grrr thing) and i left the house in time to get to the doctors for 9.20. except half way there i realised i couldnt remember even closing the door let alone locking it and my brain insisted I HAD TO GO BACK AND CHECK cos what if i really hadn't. obviously i had locked the bloody door, but what if. and when i left it was already 9.25. fuuuuuck. i went to the bus stop incase there was a bus cos that'd be quicker and thank fuck there was a bus yes yes yes though the driver barely stopped and i got on and got into town in 4 minutes instead of 14. then quickly walk through the station and the shopping centre and i'm fifteen minutes late total. receptionist tells me to sit down and she'll see if the doctor will still see me. after 10 minutes waiting she says "i'm really sorry but the doctor can't see you now. i can see if we can get you another appointment in the afternoon?" i start crying cos apparently that's what i do. i'd rather not go home and come back again. it's not far but it reaks of effort i cant muster on a good day and this is not a good day. the receptionists say they'll get a nurse practicioner to call me "some time after 10" and that's better than nothing, and besides this is all my fault. i should have gone for one of the afternoon appointments but i was desperate and wanted it all over and done with. i wandered into the behind the counter medicine counter and asked for advice from the lady at that till and she recommended a support bandage and bunch of ibuprofen, so i got both and went to a couple of shops to kill some time, in case the nurse called soon and i might be able to get proper prescription or advice. i looked in primark, nah. looked in the poundshops for a new diary for 2016, what happened to all the flexi plastic whatever that material is called diaries? all the ones this year have hard covers and i dont like them ffs. eventually nurse called me when i was in wilkos and the line was terrible, i couldn't quite hear her clearly and she couldn't really hear me clearly, but she said she would make me a prescription and it could be picked up in an hour. i just wanted to go home so i checked carl could collect it and yeah he could. i bought myself a pizza for lunch and fucked off home.
i tidied up by my desk and cried more. and i did dishes and i cried. i had a dance to the #didyouknowi'mnorwegian playlist and cried some more. i listen to the princess diarist audiobook and i dont think i cried at that.

fuck i'm still working on that goddamn timeline. oh well except like, i'm mostly not doing that at all.

i'm also somewhat peeved because work was supposed to call my last night about the rest of the week, and they didnt. so i texted him this afternoon and have had no reply. dude, i need you to tell me in advance when you want me in that shop. i can work, i just need advance notice WHICH IS PERFECTLY FUCKING REASONABLE. ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh. i do NOT want to actually call him because talking to that man is so painful cos he does not listen. honestly. men. ugh. *insert that best evs gif from pretty little liars maybe*



today instead of writing i have mostly faffed and watched buffy in the daytime and then i watched 2 episodes of elementary cos that is a good thing. today was the first time i put the washing Outside to dry and it was a good thing. i think tomorrow i might repot some of my plant babies from the window sill because they are far too big for the dinky little whatever the hell those things are called. might need to buy more compost and more pots.

new band was supposed to have first gig friday, but we did tiny practice last night and decided that despite feelings about ~*not being quitters*~ / just wanting to do shit, we weren't ready for it. we need a guitarist added to the mix. two-pieces need to be like super duper tight and well we aint yet and i'm still too wobbly at the whole singing + playing thing. guitars hide mistakes / wobbles. so that's a bummer but also a relief. cos i was so nervous / scared. also last weekend i was super stressed about trying to get a practice space for a real practice and failing. on top of everything else. so yeah.

fuck i'm gonna try to finish that stupid timeline. i started writing semi detailed descriptions instead of just stuff like This Festival, That Festival, This Venue in Month X Year X, and i have urls for relevant livejournal entries and shit. though tbh i'm only at 2003 with the timeline and the already written bit is up to spring 2005, what am i even doing? i'm sure i have a reason for this shit.

i should also definitely do the food shop but i can't even think of what we should eat in the next 7 days. ffs the food shop is like the most stressful part of the week maybe? maybe it's cos i try too hard? i'm not gonna be home for dinner on saturday anyway. hoping i will make some £££ at the bookfair and not feel too bad about getting a takeaway something to eat on the train home. yeah, i'm gonna be that gal again. i was even doing research trying to see if there's anything real good / interesting between goldsmiths & new cross station. i'm not having dinner at 8pm even if it'd be cheaper to just have pizza when i get home. i'm gonna be sensible and take proper lunch with me i think? anyway, i better get on with that time line.

i might write here one day. if i have something secret to vent. but today is not the day. just had a massive tidy up and pretty much deleted everyone who i didn't know for sure still occasionally actively writes here instead of other places. if you still do that, and i actually know you, let me know. (i suppose if you semi actively read and we're friends, let me know then too..)

anyway. i better go to bed. surprise work tomorrow :(

For more information:
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thank you for lovely birthday wishes.

i've always been rubbish at saying thank you. as in i think "thank you" and i think i've actually said it, but i don't. wtf.

hello_amber randomly (she didn't know it was my birthday) sent me a lovely letter and polaroid film and they arrived conveniently yesterday while i was at work! my polaroid camera has gone awol (but that's ok because it probably doesn't work and doesn't _really_ take 600 film anyway..) but carl has one! and we have taken one picture. of the cake. as seen above.

anyway, i must run. carl's waiting for me outside.