noitakerho: (one direction = back in black)
i have a lot of complicated feelings. sunday was the one year anniversary of one of my best friends of all time kasper's suicide. and today it has been a years since i found out. it feels so unreal because im not surrounded by people who knew him (on saturday i went to Cambridge to meet up with Het, Suzie, Baby Alex & Little Alex and we made a bunch of bad puns, in jokes, and swore & cried in a church while lighting candles in Kasper's memory) somehow fb hasn't been filled with tributes to him (there's been a few but not as many as i expected, and maybe im just not seeing them even though im a glutton for punishment and i have been checking his page for any tagged posts.) i have a lot of guilt and missed opportunity feelings because we hadn't really spoken for a long time, not because we fell out or anything, it's just how life is especially when you live so far away from each other and also im terrible at keeping in touch. i think that's also why it feels not real. because the fact he's not here isn't as glaringly obvious as it is to others who spoke to him all the time. so i forget. and i feel bad for it. it's a vicious cycle, except during the forgetting part of the cycle. but that's not the part of the cycle im currently in.

oh Kasper. my brother from another mother. such an old ridiculous friend, we were practically internet babies when we met and went through many mutual obsessions. that was our thing.

(i wrote that in bed sunday night, but i edited to change the time blah blah and obviously i started crying while writing it and had trouble going to sleep cos that's how i roll)   then yesterday i accidentally found these two photos of me and kasper on the computer. i was saving something in a folder i don't usually use and there they were.

i wanted to do something in his memory but i'm at a loss. i've burned some candles today, and i donated to a trans youth camp and pre-ordered my friend maranda's new book (it's relevant because brilliant pals with mental health issues who are also under that trans umbrella) i wanted to plant some pansies in the garden but the pansies in morrisons either didn't have any actual flowers or looked all wilted and sad like they would die within the next week, and then i didnt leave the house today. i was going to write (more) about him but to be honest all i've done is watch american gods and drag race all stars + youtube videos and crocheted. i'm bad at grief. i also thought about sharing what i wrote earlier on facebook, and maybe the photo/s but i don't know. i have the fear of tributing wrong. and by the time someone tells me it's ok / i believe it's ok it'll be ~*too late*~
noitakerho: (your scent lingers)
i feel like i need to gush somewhere and secret twitter isn't secret enough, but you know how i have that secret crush? well we were supposed to go to the moomin adventure thing at southbank centre on the saturday between our birthdays but had to cancel cos she had unexpected expenses and she couldn't afford it, and also some other birthday plans got cancelled. Well, we booked our tickets yesterday. i booked the moomin tickets, she booked the train and paypalled me for the other bit. and i'm super excited because i'm a hopeless need and nothing is going to happen except we get to hang out in the flesh and it'll be great. it's not for another month but... also going to Cambridge the weekend before to hang out with Bodø buddies cos it'll have been a year and i was just reading a thing about Chester Bennington and got feels cos i had temporarily forgotten.

after reading this everyone will know who the secret crush is cos i totally tweeted about moomin adventures and tagged her in it so i'm really stealthy as fuck. and i'm not even going to lock this cos i live dangerously. also i need to go to bed so bad right now.
noitakerho: (fresh air)
WRITTEN ON WEDNESDAY: i went to glasgow last weekend and it was good times and i feel much more emotionally solid about being back home than after i got back from leeds. i think i did something to my left foot while i was up there though cos it's quite a bit bigger than my right one at the moment. i think i might have to try to get the bus to the train station tomorrow instead of trying to walk. it just doesn't seem like a good idea to walk on it right now. too bad the bus timetable is EVEN WORSE in the morning. how is that possible? don't they want people to go to work? there is literally one bus that goes from my stop to train station, and in the evening there are at least three if not more. honestly.

NOW: i went to the doctors today, i got the bus into town (wow two stops, less than five minutes, but that damn foot) went to the surgery before they opened instead of trying to get through on the phone cos that shit is so USELESS.  they opened at 9, i was there at 10 to, and i got an appointment for 10.40 with the nurse practitioner. i went to primark to see if they had anymore skinny joggers in XXL cos they old ones are falling apart and one bit is actually Almost See Through. they had 2 pairs and i got them both because i know i will wear the fuck out of them. also grabbed some other trousers and two kind of cropped t-shirts. (the trousers are a bit snug, i think they'll go back cos i can't be doing with this ~almost there~. anyway. then i went to costa and got a coffee and read faith the vampire slayer's diary.anyway the nurse practitioner gave me a prescription from a steroid nasal spray for evil hayfever (i will take my first sniff tomorrow) and for the foot she just told me to take ibuprofen for the pain and come back if it doesn't get better, because of course today it wasn't that swollen and i guess it doesn't hurt quite as bad as yesterday. felt a bit brushed off on the foot front but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ when i got the nasal spray from the pharmacy bit apparently my fluoxetine repeat prescription was still there and kinda valid. i'd last filled it in 2014. i've actually been meaning to see the doctor about it and maybe go back on the medication, but i'll do that some other day. i think next week i'm going to sign up at a different surgery, that's like 5 mins from my house and a much smaller less busy surgery. they're not open on saturdays but i bet they will be easier to get an appointment with than the most popular surgery in town.

i was going to do the daily routine thing [personal profile] actualem did / asked folks to do, but but but my daily routine is gonna change next week because oops i think i accidentally sorted myself out a rideshare to work with this new guy adam who lives in rochester and is very softly spoken. this is yay because i'll save £10+ a day on train and bus fares (we haven't discussed petrol money but tbh he implied he's gonna drive to work and use up that petrol anyway, so who knows if he'd even take ££ from me) but not yay because i won't be able to read / write during my commute and i'll have to talk to this currently a stranger. YIKES. i guess eventually we might get to comfortable silence routine where i can be like 'im just gonna listen to my audiobook and stare out the window, ok?' but not for at least a week. i wont really save much time, as i'll leave house about 8, which is same time i've been leaving for later train, but i'll actually get in On Time. it's maybe a 20 min difference, i dont know. annoyingly i also just topped up my arrivaclick account (the summon by app bus) friday morning and i have like £20 credit on there. ugh. i mean i'll probably end up using it at some point, if he's sick or something. also i think he's a temp so he might not be there forever. who knows. but yeah, ride share is good, right? and rebs pointed out it could be like peter kay's car share. though hopefully without a Heart FM soundtrack.

i'm up too late again, i feel like i'm on the edge of breaking my good sleep pattern with all the time i've had off. tomorrow i will be good, go to bed at 10 and read my book and turn the lights off for sleep by 11.

noitakerho: (one direction = back in black)

i think i've just finished importing ALL MY OLD LIVEJOURNALS that i can still access. from end of april 2004 onwards, but i'm missing a year and 10 months and six different accounts worth of blah blah blah and it bums me out. i might go back later and copy them in manually, luckily about half of it is Not Locked, cos i lived by the i'm gonna tell you some private things cause you can keep secrets, you are the internet mantra. (some things never change?) but yeah at the moment i'm pretty sure i have better things to do. like right now i should be doing the online food shop and i'm failing at finishing it tonight why is shopping so hard?
noitakerho: (do i look like russell brand?)
i was going to go to bed early but then someone said a thing about who do you think you are in a youtube video and i went and had a looksie on iplayer and woah the danny dyer episode was EXPIRING AT 1.45AM TODAY so obviously i had to watch it because well twitter had said it was grand. and you know what, TWITTER DOES NOT FUCKING LIE. not when it comes to danny dyer and who do you think you are at least.

but yeah oops it's at least an hour and a half later than i intended to go to bed At The Latest. this is standard me. i do this all the time. i am the worst. and i'm super awake after having practically fallen asleep, being so tired it's physically hurts at 8pm. FOR FUCKS SAKE. at least tomorrow is not a work day. but i think i'm supposed to do things, i'm just not sure what it is. get avocados and something else? meet up with emma to do something? i dont really know anymore.
noitakerho: (ten of swords)
wednesday was the worst day.
first of all, i woke up at like 3am because my stupid previously broken wrist was hurting. i layed in bed trying to get back to sleep, listening to harry potter and the goblet of fire, crying. then i remembered there was a pack of paracetamol in my bag so i took like three and had a drink and went back to bed and cried some more. around 4am i realised sleep was probably not gonna happen and i got up and put the wifi on so at least i could read twitter or something, but some of the bodø buddies were up cos there's always the 4.30am club and i cried there some and asked the internet if this is a valid reason to call in sick cos jfc wednesday was supposed to be first day back after christmas. paracetamol didn't help. carl woke up and was annoyed at the constant blowing my nose so i could breathe (i get VERY SNOTTY when i cry hardcore) so i got the blankets and went to cry on the sofa in the living room instead. and it was cold. and i watched some fuller house on netflix cos nowtv don't have subtitles and i didn't wanna have it on too loud and that fucking wrist/hand/arm was still killing me. at half 7 i called in sick and left a message and 20 minutes later i went to carl like "shouldn't you be getting up for work babe???" so he got up and i went back to bed and at 8am started calling the doctors cos oh maybe maybe i'd get through in time to get an appointment and get some fucking help about this hellscape my wrist was keeping me in. i did get through. appointment at 9.20am, in hour and 10 minutes. so i got up, got washed and dressed and ate some breakfast, took some more paracetamol that actually finally worked (forever having that complains about thing not working, goes to show it to someone and woah the problem is suddenly gone grrr thing) and i left the house in time to get to the doctors for 9.20. except half way there i realised i couldnt remember even closing the door let alone locking it and my brain insisted I HAD TO GO BACK AND CHECK cos what if i really hadn't. obviously i had locked the bloody door, but what if. and when i left it was already 9.25. fuuuuuck. i went to the bus stop incase there was a bus cos that'd be quicker and thank fuck there was a bus yes yes yes though the driver barely stopped and i got on and got into town in 4 minutes instead of 14. then quickly walk through the station and the shopping centre and i'm fifteen minutes late total. receptionist tells me to sit down and she'll see if the doctor will still see me. after 10 minutes waiting she says "i'm really sorry but the doctor can't see you now. i can see if we can get you another appointment in the afternoon?" i start crying cos apparently that's what i do. i'd rather not go home and come back again. it's not far but it reaks of effort i cant muster on a good day and this is not a good day. the receptionists say they'll get a nurse practicioner to call me "some time after 10" and that's better than nothing, and besides this is all my fault. i should have gone for one of the afternoon appointments but i was desperate and wanted it all over and done with. i wandered into the behind the counter medicine counter and asked for advice from the lady at that till and she recommended a support bandage and bunch of ibuprofen, so i got both and went to a couple of shops to kill some time, in case the nurse called soon and i might be able to get proper prescription or advice. i looked in primark, nah. looked in the poundshops for a new diary for 2016, what happened to all the flexi plastic whatever that material is called diaries? all the ones this year have hard covers and i dont like them ffs. eventually nurse called me when i was in wilkos and the line was terrible, i couldn't quite hear her clearly and she couldn't really hear me clearly, but she said she would make me a prescription and it could be picked up in an hour. i just wanted to go home so i checked carl could collect it and yeah he could. i bought myself a pizza for lunch and fucked off home.
i tidied up by my desk and cried more. and i did dishes and i cried. i had a dance to the #didyouknowi'mnorwegian playlist and cried some more. i listen to the princess diarist audiobook and i dont think i cried at that.
noitakerho: (crafty jonesy)
oh that thing when you definitely have a big fat crush on an internet pal you’ve been talking a lot to about big gay fanfic lately. (oh now it’s even obvious who it is oops except no one reads what i write in here so that's fine. not like i could do anything about big fat crush anyway cos distance and crap.)

in other news, fuck it i might write a little here while i'm at it, i've been dying of hayfever. like it has been SO AWFUL. i had to work yesterday and the pills i'd got earlier this week just in case did ~*fuck all*~ and it was just painful being there. today was so much worse though, i'm so happy i didn't have to suffer through it at work. i was so unconfortable i couldn't stop crying which made it worse cos crying makes my nose run and i was so megasnotty from the crying i could barely breathe at one point. yum. i was going to do a bunch of stuff today but thanks to evil fucking VERY HIGH pollen count and whoever takes care of the lawns etc at the estate had decided that VERY HIGH pollen count day was a GR8 DAY to mow all the lawns. fuck you you fucking knobhead. carl came home with different pills, more ibuprofen + a nasal spray, and i sprayed some of that stuff up my nose and ive felt much better all evening. though i can't be 100% sure it was the spray. does pollen count go down in the evening? i dont know. i mean, i still don't feel great but at least i dont wanna cry at everything anymore? note to self: the 10mg loratadine hay fever pills do fuck all, do not buy them.

to be honest, there is more but i should go to bed. i mean i dont have to get up for another 9h BUT BUT BUT i still need to make carl's lunch and i take a while to actually get to sleep. thankfully i managed to talk myself into doing a shorter day tomorrow than originally intended (11-3 instead of 10-5) fingers crossed pollen count is more manageable next week?
noitakerho: (Default)
fuck i'm still working on that goddamn timeline. oh well except like, i'm mostly not doing that at all.

i'm also somewhat peeved because work was supposed to call my last night about the rest of the week, and they didnt. so i texted him this afternoon and have had no reply. dude, i need you to tell me in advance when you want me in that shop. i can work, i just need advance notice WHICH IS PERFECTLY FUCKING REASONABLE. ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh. i do NOT want to actually call him because talking to that man is so painful cos he does not listen. honestly. men. ugh. *insert that best evs gif from pretty little liars maybe*

today instead of writing i have mostly faffed and watched buffy in the daytime and then i watched 2 episodes of elementary cos that is a good thing. today was the first time i put the washing Outside to dry and it was a good thing. i think tomorrow i might repot some of my plant babies from the window sill because they are far too big for the dinky little whatever the hell those things are called. might need to buy more compost and more pots.

new band was supposed to have first gig friday, but we did tiny practice last night and decided that despite feelings about ~*not being quitters*~ / just wanting to do shit, we weren't ready for it. we need a guitarist added to the mix. two-pieces need to be like super duper tight and well we aint yet and i'm still too wobbly at the whole singing + playing thing. guitars hide mistakes / wobbles. so that's a bummer but also a relief. cos i was so nervous / scared. also last weekend i was super stressed about trying to get a practice space for a real practice and failing. on top of everything else. so yeah.

fuck i'm gonna try to finish that stupid timeline. i started writing semi detailed descriptions instead of just stuff like This Festival, That Festival, This Venue in Month X Year X, and i have urls for relevant livejournal entries and shit. though tbh i'm only at 2003 with the timeline and the already written bit is up to spring 2005, what am i even doing? i'm sure i have a reason for this shit.

i should also definitely do the food shop but i can't even think of what we should eat in the next 7 days. ffs the food shop is like the most stressful part of the week maybe? maybe it's cos i try too hard? i'm not gonna be home for dinner on saturday anyway. hoping i will make some £££ at the bookfair and not feel too bad about getting a takeaway something to eat on the train home. yeah, i'm gonna be that gal again. i was even doing research trying to see if there's anything real good / interesting between goldsmiths & new cross station. i'm not having dinner at 8pm even if it'd be cheaper to just have pizza when i get home. i'm gonna be sensible and take proper lunch with me i think? anyway, i better get on with that time line.
noitakerho: (Default)
making a new livejournal seemed like a good idea way past my bedtime last thursday night. especially when i was being egged on by vicky & ingrid. jfc i have the bestest ideas.

i've been reading through old livejournal entries as research for that zine about The Ark that has been in the works for five years, but really i just haven't ~*really*~ touched it in four and a half years for whatever reason. every once and a while i go "OH I SHOULD TOTALLY FINISH THAT ZINE COS OMG" but then i look at what i do have and i'm overwhelmed by the 8000 words and the thought of maybe editing them into an order that makes sense and i just slip away like that simpsons gif of homer backing slowly into a hedge.

but i've made a playlist on the spotify and i'm writing a timeline and i will fucking do it.
ive got too many things i need to write and i never fucking do anything because i'm a pile of trash. (not that i would ever say or even think such things about anyone else doing exactly what i'm doing.


Jan. 10th, 2014 11:48 pm
noitakerho: (this is what a feminist looks like.)

i might write here one day. if i have something secret to vent. but today is not the day. just had a massive tidy up and pretty much deleted everyone who i didn't know for sure still occasionally actively writes here instead of other places. if you still do that, and i actually know you, let me know. (i suppose if you semi actively read and we're friends, let me know then too..)

anyway. i better go to bed. surprise work tomorrow :(
noitakerho: (Default)

i made some valentine's day cards. i tried to re-post the entry here but the code kept fucking up.


Nov. 14th, 2009 05:58 pm
noitakerho: (naps & kittens)

quick scans )

this issue is a split with one of my favourite zinesters, maranda elizabeth of telegram ma'am. it's pretty epic, 70 pages all together! i write about my brother visiting, are birthdays happy, going to brighton, meeting long distance friends & my newly discovered depression. maranda writes about riding her bike jolene and fighting anxiety, loneliness, small town adventures negativity, zine gatherings and more!

i'm getting even worse at these descriptions.

1/4 size, 70 pages.

my etsy shop.
noitakerho: (naps & kittens)


hi kids! after months of gathering stock & procrastinating with the website, Vampire Sushi Distro has finally officially opened for business!

first 13 unlucky customers will receive surprise presents with their order.
noitakerho: (this is what a feminist looks like.)

If you are reading this right now, you have more luxury than someone in Iran could ever hope for right now. If you are watching TV or a video on youtube, updating your status on Facebook, Tweeting, or even texting your friend, you are lucky. If you are safe in your home, and were able to sleep last night without the sounds of screaming from the rooftops, you need to know and understand what is happening to people just like you in Iran right now.

They are not the enemy. They are a people whose election has been stolen. For the first time in a long time, a voice for change struck the youth of Iran, just as it did for many people in the United States only seven months ago. Hossein Mousavi gained the support of millions of people in Iran as a Presidential candidate. He stands for progressiveness. He supports good relations with the West, and the rest of the world. He is supported with fervor as he challenges the oppressive regime of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

On Friday, millions of people waited for hours in line to vote in Iran's Presidential election. Later that night, as votes came in, Mousavi was alerted that he was winning by a two-thirds margin. Then there was a change. Suddenly, it was Ahmadinejad who had 68% of the vote - in areas which have been firmly against his political party, he overwhelmingly won. Within three hours, millions of votes were supposedly counted - the victor was Ahmadinejad. Immediately fraud was suspected - there was no way he could have won by this great a margin with such oppposition. Since then, reports have been coming in of burned ballots, or in some cases numbers being given without any being counted at all. None of this is confirmed, but what happened next seems to do the trick.

The people of Iran took the streets and rooftops. They shout "Death to the dictator" and "Allah o akbar." They join together to protest. Peacefully. The police attack some, but they stay strong. Riots happen, and the shouting continues all night. Text messaging was disabled, as was satellite, and websites which can spread information such as Twitter, Facebook, Youtube, and the BBC are blocked in the country. At five in the morning, Arabic speaking soldiers (the people of Iran speak Farsi) stormed a university in the capital city of Tehran. While sleeping in their dormitories, five students were killed. Others were wounded. These soldiers are thought to have been brought in by Ahmadinejad from Lebanon. Today, 192 of the university's faculty have resigned in protest.

Mousavi requested that the government allow a peaceful rally to occur this morning - the request was denied. Many thought that it would not happen. Nevertheless, first a few thousand people showed up in the streets of Tehran. At this point, it is estimated that 1 to 2 million people were there. Mousavi spoke on the top of a car. The police stood by. For a few hours, everything was peaceful. Right now, the same cannot be said. Reports of injuries, shootings, and killings are flooding the internet. Twitter has been an invaluable source - those in Iran who still know how to access it are updating regularly with picture evidence. People are being brutally beaten. Tonight will be another night without rest for so many in Iran no older than I am. Tonight there is a Green Revolution.

For more information:
here and here
Here - near constant updates
Here - ONTD_political live post
@StopAhmadi, @IranElection09, @Change_for_Iran

دنیارابگوییدچطورآنهاانتخاباتمان دزدیده اند
Tell the world how they have stolen our election

- original post by [ profile] one_hoopy_frood
noitakerho: (naps & kittens)

vampire sushi distro is a new UK based zine distro looking for submissions! mainly perzines, art zines, food zines, but everything goes! obviously no homophobic / racist / sexist etc material. leave the hating to the haters. vampire sushi is for lovers.

email us at vampiresushidistro (a) for the address & more info.

- - - -- - - - --

yeah. me and carl decided to start a distro. two weeks ago actually. while trying to buy him new trousers one wednesday afternoon. it was his idea.

noitakerho: (naps & kittens)

YOUR PRETTY FACE IS GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL #7 is now available at my etsy shop. with handcoloured unicorn covers. (some of them vomit rainbows!) if it sells out for some reason, let me know. i've got a fuckload in stock, just can't be arsed to list all 40 of them in one go. same with everything else.

edit: i forgot the badges. there are some YOUR PRETTY FACE badges too!

noitakerho: (naps & kittens)
just a quick reminder that i'll be tabling at london zine symposium at rag factory (heneage street, just off brick lane) sunday. and YOUR PRETTY FACE IS GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL issue SEVEN is done and you can get it from me there for £2 along with all the other ones. and on etsy monday probs when i get back. gots to go, i'm knackered, still got zines to colour and [ profile] alchemywow wants her laptop back.
noitakerho: (the filijonk who was afraid of disasters)


pages )

this issue is mainly about three things: 1) my boyfriend moving in + the adult problems caused by that, 2) feeling lonely and friendless and 3) the winter and how shit it is in england and way better in finland..

also has our two best evs chilli recipies. one meaty and one veggie, + one for sexy veggie filled jacket potatoes.

i'm no good at these descriptions.

comes with handcoloured covers.

1/4 size, 38 pages.
noitakerho: (Default)
i've been in a bit of a strange mood since the party (it was nice, more later) and carl thinks it's cos i'm upset about doctor who.



Jun. 27th, 2008 12:20 pm
noitakerho: (äidin tyttö)

thank you for lovely birthday wishes.

i've always been rubbish at saying thank you. as in i think "thank you" and i think i've actually said it, but i don't. wtf.

[ profile] hello_amber randomly (she didn't know it was my birthday) sent me a lovely letter and polaroid film and they arrived conveniently yesterday while i was at work! my polaroid camera has gone awol (but that's ok because it probably doesn't work and doesn't _really_ take 600 film anyway..) but carl has one! and we have taken one picture. of the cake. as seen above.

anyway, i must run. carl's waiting for me outside.


noitakerho: (Default)

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