tag:dreamwidth.org,2017-04-16:3098898"´¨`·..♥ * » § I FEEL STRANGE, MOSTLY BECAUSE I AM. § « * ♥..·´¨`"if it's not worth pretending then i don't want to know.noitakerho2017-08-15T23:37:34Ztag:dreamwidth.org,2017-04-16:3098898:395206we only do it for the scars and stories not the fame2017-08-15T23:37:34Z2017-08-15T23:37:34Zpublic0i have a lot of complicated feelings. sunday was the one year anniversary of one of my best friends of all time kasper's suicide. and today it has been a years since i found out. it feels so unreal because im not surrounded by people who knew him (on saturday i went to Cambridge to meet up with Het, Suzie, Baby Alex & Little Alex and we made a bunch of bad puns, in jokes, and swore & cried in a church while lighting candles in Kasper's memory) somehow fb hasn't been filled with tributes to him (there's been a few but not as many as i expected, and maybe im just not seeing them even though im a glutton for punishment and i have been checking his page for any tagged posts.) i have a lot of guilt and missed opportunity feelings because we hadn't really spoken for a long time, not because we fell out or anything, it's just how life is especially when you live so far away from each other and also im terrible at keeping in touch. i think that's also why it feels not real. because the fact he's not here isn't as glaringly obvious as it is to others who spoke to him all the time. so i forget. and i feel bad for it. it's a vicious cycle, except during the forgetting part of the cycle. but that's not the part of the cycle im currently in. <br /><br />oh Kasper. my brother from another mother. such an old ridiculous friend, we were practically internet babies when we met and went through many mutual obsessions. that was our thing.<br /><br />(i wrote that in bed sunday night, but i edited to change the time blah blah and obviously i started crying while writing it and had trouble going to sleep cos that's how i roll) then yesterday i accidentally found these two photos of me and kasper on the computer. i was saving something in a folder i don't usually use and there they were.<br /><br /><img src="http://vampiresushi.co.uk/blogit/kasperregentspark.jpg" alt="" /><br /><img src="http://vampiresushi.co.uk/blogit/kasperregentspark2.jpg" alt="" /><br /><br />i wanted to do something in his memory but i'm at a loss. i've burned some candles today, and i donated to a trans youth camp and pre-ordered my friend maranda's new book (it's relevant because brilliant pals with mental health issues who are also under that trans umbrella) i wanted to plant some pansies in the garden but the pansies in morrisons either didn't have any actual flowers or looked all wilted and sad like they would die within the next week, and then i didnt leave the house today. i was going to write (more) about him but to be honest all i've done is watch american gods and drag race all stars + youtube videos and crocheted. i'm bad at grief. i also thought about sharing what i wrote earlier on facebook, and maybe the photo/s but i don't know. i have the fear of tributing wrong. and by the time someone tells me it's ok / i believe it's ok it'll be ~*too late*~<br /><br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=noitakerho&ditemid=395206" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> commentstag:dreamwidth.org,2017-04-16:3098898:394924noitakerho @ 2017-07-23T23:09:002017-07-23T22:09:47Z2017-07-23T22:09:47Zpublic1i feel like i need to gush somewhere and secret twitter isn't secret enough, but you know how i have that secret crush? well we were supposed to go to the moomin adventure thing at southbank centre on the saturday between our birthdays but had to cancel cos she had unexpected expenses and she couldn't afford it, and also some other birthday plans got cancelled. Well, we booked our tickets yesterday. i booked the moomin tickets, she booked the train and paypalled me for the other bit. and i'm super excited because i'm a hopeless need and nothing is going to happen except we get to hang out in the flesh and it'll be great. it's not for another month but... also going to Cambridge the weekend before to hang out with Bodø buddies cos it'll have been a year and i was just reading a thing about Chester Bennington and got feels cos i had temporarily forgotten. <br /><br />after reading this everyone will know who the secret crush is cos i totally tweeted about moomin adventures and tagged her in it so i'm really stealthy as fuck. and i'm not even going to lock this cos i live dangerously. also i need to go to bed so bad right now.<br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=noitakerho&ditemid=394924" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> commentstag:dreamwidth.org,2017-04-16:3098898:394745noitakerho @ 2017-05-06T23:45:002017-05-06T23:55:13Z2017-05-06T23:55:13Zdelicate, petite & other things i'll never be - against me!public1WRITTEN ON WEDNESDAY: i went to glasgow last weekend and it was good times and i feel much more emotionally solid about being back home than after i got back from leeds. i think i did something to my left foot while i was up there though cos it's quite a bit bigger than my right one at the moment. i think i might have to try to get the bus to the train station tomorrow instead of trying to walk. it just doesn't seem like a good idea to walk on it right now. too bad the bus timetable is EVEN WORSE in the morning. how is that possible? don't they want people to go to work? there is literally one bus that goes from my stop to train station, and in the evening there are at least three if not more. honestly.<br /><br />NOW: i went to the doctors today, i got the bus into town (wow two stops, less than five minutes, but that damn foot) went to the surgery before they opened instead of trying to get through on the phone cos that shit is so USELESS. they opened at 9, i was there at 10 to, and i got an appointment for 10.40 with the <span data-dobid="hdw">nurse practitioner. i went to primark to see if they had anymore skinny joggers in XXL cos they old ones are falling apart and one bit is actually Almost See Through. they had 2 pairs and i got them both because i know i will wear the fuck out of them. also grabbed some other trousers and two kind of cropped t-shirts.</span> (the trousers are a bit snug, i think they'll go back cos i can't be doing with this ~almost there~. anyway. then i went to costa and got a coffee and read faith the vampire slayer's diary.anyway the nurse practitioner gave me a prescription from a steroid nasal spray for evil hayfever (i will take my first sniff tomorrow) and for the foot she just told me to take ibuprofen for the pain and come back if it doesn't get better, because of course today it wasn't that swollen and i guess it doesn't hurt quite as bad as yesterday. felt a bit brushed off on the foot front but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ when i got the nasal spray from the pharmacy bit apparently my fluoxetine repeat prescription was still there and kinda valid. i'd last filled it in 2014. i've actually been meaning to see the doctor about it and maybe go back on the medication, but i'll do that some other day. i think next week i'm going to sign up at a different surgery, that's like 5 mins from my house and a much smaller less busy surgery. they're not open on saturdays but i bet they will be easier to get an appointment with than the most popular surgery in town.<br /><br />i was going to do the daily routine thing <span style='white-space: nowrap;'><a href='https://actualem.dreamwidth.org/profile'><img src='https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png' alt='[personal profile] ' width='17' height='17' style='vertical-align: text-bottom; border: 0; padding-right: 1px;' /></a><a href='https://actualem.dreamwidth.org/'><b>actualem</b></a></span> did / asked folks to do, but but but my daily routine is gonna change next week because oops i think i accidentally sorted myself out a rideshare to work with this new guy adam who lives in rochester and is very softly spoken. this is yay because i'll save £10+ a day on train and bus fares (we haven't discussed petrol money but tbh he implied he's gonna drive to work and use up that petrol anyway, so who knows if he'd even take ££ from me) but not yay because i won't be able to read / write during my commute and i'll have to talk to this currently a stranger. YIKES. i guess eventually we might get to comfortable silence routine where i can be like 'im just gonna listen to my audiobook and stare out the window, ok?' but not for at least a week. i wont really save much time, as i'll leave house about 8, which is same time i've been leaving for later train, but i'll actually get in On Time. it's maybe a 20 min difference, i dont know. annoyingly i also just topped up my arrivaclick account (the summon by app bus) friday morning and i have like £20 credit on there. ugh. i mean i'll probably end up using it at some point, if he's sick or something. also i think he's a temp so he might not be there forever. who knows. but yeah, ride share is good, right? and rebs pointed out it could be like peter kay's car share. though hopefully without a Heart FM soundtrack. <br /><br />i'm up too late again, i feel like i'm on the edge of breaking my good sleep pattern with all the time i've had off. tomorrow i will be good, go to bed at 10 and read my book and turn the lights off for sleep by 11.<br /><br /><br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=noitakerho&ditemid=394745" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> commentstag:dreamwidth.org,2017-04-16:3098898:394418archives of pain.2017-04-19T16:30:34Z2017-04-19T23:02:05Zpublic2<br /><img src="http://vampiresushi.co.uk/files/Ash%20-%20Angel%20Interceptor%20reading.gif" alt="" /><br /><br />i think i've just finished importing ALL MY OLD LIVEJOURNALS that i can still access. from end of april 2004 onwards, but i'm missing a year and 10 months and six different accounts worth of blah blah blah and it bums me out. i might go back later and copy them in manually, luckily about half of it is Not Locked, cos i lived by the <em>i'm gonna tell you some private things cause you can keep secrets, you are the internet </em>mantra. (some things never change?) but yeah at the moment i'm pretty sure i have better things to do. like right now i should be doing the online food shop and i'm failing at finishing it tonight why is shopping so hard?<br /><br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=noitakerho&ditemid=394418" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> comments